Self Reflection

 AtoZ is no longer in my life, hopefully for good this time. As far as I'll ever know, their alcoholism won. They'll find ways to justify and explain away what happened to keep doing exactly as they're doing, I'm sure. Either they'll get the help they need, or they'll keep on the same self-destructive path they're on. It's no longer my concern.

The implosion of the friendship started (arguably) when I started going back to therapy. When I explained everything AtoZ was putting me through, my therapist was furious on my behalf, and we talked about how I could establish some healthy boundaries and make sure they were respected. AtoZ was initially fearful and anxious, then angry and confrontational when I maintained my new boundaries. Ultimately, they got drunk and texted they'd rather die than be like me. Maybe they were still drunk the next time they texted me, but they doubled down, got accusatory, insisted I was partly to blame for their abuse.

Right out of the abuser's handbook. So, I may not have a ton of self-respect, but I have enough to put my foot down on that fuckery.

I thought this was a good time, though, to talk about the importance of self-reflection. AtoZ's interest in my welfare started and ended with my calling them on their bullshit. They wanted to make it my problem that they were tempted to drink. Any attempt on my part to point out how they were avoiding the real problem and had been wasting their time in therapy and AA ultimately led to a conversation about my failings.

Which, going to therapy and actually working through your problems being two very different things is a whole other blog post, I suspect.

I believe I mentioned previously that AtoZ doesn't even know what they don't know. Their aversion to self-reflection is mostly why. They don't understand that their treatment of me was unacceptable because they never took a moment to examine their behavior. Any attempt to help them see, no matter how gently I tried to phrase it, was dismissed as cruel, abusive, mean. They punished any attempt to help them do better with insults, justified in their mind as supposed constructive criticism for me. They didn't want to hear about their faults. It always turned into a conversation about my failings.

I have never pretended to be perfect. I'm told my self esteem is low, but I'd call it realistic. I'm well aware of my shortcomings. I don't need help finding them. It's why I'm in therapy, and partly why I'm writing this blog. (Writing out my feelings helps, and I promise I'm examining my own behavior for hypocritical fuckery as I go.)

All this to say: it's important to reflect on your own behavior, your own beliefs, your own values. If someone questions them, even if that person is full of shit, you might want to listen. If your response to criticism is to turn it back on the other person every time, you have a problem. If you consider the messenger more important than the message, you have a problem. If people are all turning their backs on you, it's not them that's fucked. You fucked yourself.